She uses the voice that mothers use when they realise their child’s perspective about the world is conflicting, when their lifestyle is no longer aligned to the vision they had for them when they were growing in their swelling bellies. It’s a deep-seeded longing married with a sense of mourning. “What did I do wrong? What is God trying to teach me?”
In her loving pressure on Sunday mornings I can hear fear. I can hear loss. She is crumbling under the reality of her child’s rejection of religious faith. She is terrified that her baby girl may very well live out eternity in the fiery pits of hell. She tries, to no avail, to bring her back to church. She laments the conversations they shared about what she learnt at children’s church when she was small. She grieves for the loss of a joy her daughter may never know without Jesus.
Both her and her daughter think each other have got it wrong.
This is a common story. Sometimes it’s with eyebrow-raising fathers, or disinterested sons. Sometimes with disapproving older siblings or conservative grandparents. Sometimes anger and frustration weaves its way into dinner table conversations when everyone is talking about their plans for the weekend. Often it resorts to tears, or someone slamming down a fork and storming off to their bedroom. It’s just like any old family argument about dirty washing or dirty dishes except it’s about faith in something that is often difficult for both believers and non-believers to comprehend.
Many people have turned to me in recent months expressing the hardship they face at home when their faith no longer aligns to their parents.
Mothers and fathers, I want to share with you the many people who have suffered anxiety due to your questioning and disapproval of their lifestyle choices. Everything from no longer going to Bible study or a church service, to getting drunk on weekends and having premarital sex with a someone (who may not be a lover!). For some, Sundays are the worst day of the week and many have expressed their desire to move out of home earlier so they can live their ‘life of sin’ in peace.
I want to share a few words that were written in the extended response components of a survey I conducted recently about leaving religion.
“I do think it hurt him [my father] and still does because he believes that myself and my siblings… are likely going to hell. I feel guilty when I do things outside of the Christian framework, e.g. sex before marriage, dating a non-Christian partner – we’ve been dating for a year and I still haven’t told my parents!”
“… I was upset about disappointing my parents. Quickly their disappointment turned to anger, which made me angry too. We fought a lot.”
“…My Christian parents who would be so heartbroken if I was to walk away from church. If it wasn’t for them I would have left already. It’s hard because I don’t want to hurt them but at the same time need to live my life for what I believe.”
“I remember seeing a Christian study book on a shelf at home, I nonchalantly flipped through it and noticed it had been filled out. In the little box underneath the question “what is your greatest fear?” my mother had scrawled “my children dying, my children not becoming Christians”. I teared up while reading this, because I knew the impact my decision was going to have on my parents.”
I’m going to spend a quick moment talking about the presence of a non-religious partner, because this is something that a lot of parents are uncomfortable with and something a lot of young people find the most difficult to reconcile with their families:
- Before you ask about you son or daughter’s partner’s beliefs, ask if they treat your child with love and kindness. Faith is not a guarantee of loving treatment, read this if you think I’m wrong.
- Your child’s partner did not lead him/her astray and therefore should not be blamed or treated as a lesser a person. If your child is a young adult, respect their agency. Respect the immensity and strength of their love, which I argue is possible without Christ.
- By vehemently rejecting your child’s already-made decision to be in a relationship with a non-Christian, your child’s partner will never feel comfortable with you, and will find it difficult to appease the whole “Christians aren’t judgemental” thing. They will immediately associate your dismissal with the Christian faith.
- If they’re already dating, welcome them into the family. I understand if you want them sleeping in separate beds under your roof. But if they are having sex, separating their beds is not preventing them from doing so. Separating them is simply preventing them from doing so in your house while you’re there, so don’t freak out if you find condoms in your son or daughter’s bedroom. They’re probably already feeling guilty about sex because of the teachings during their formative years. Sex is a beautiful thing, don’t shame them for it if they don’t believe in the reasons for abstinence.
“I know my family all discuss my life privately which makes me sick. My parents express how my life isn’t how they imagined it’d be, believe they own me & cannot accept that I have my own autonomy. They’d like to see my partner make a “real commitment” to me through marriage “before God” & believe our relationship isn’t as authentic as theirs. My boyfriend & I however are happily unmarried & might be forever. It sits right with us.”
I have spoken to Christian parents whose children no longer attend church, and they talk about the shame and embarrassment – not necessarily of their children, but from others (usually childless) in the church who wonder where they got it wrong, why their kids have ‘fallen away’ or ‘gone off the rails’. It’s probably because they didn’t bring the Christian faith into the home, some would say, they just constricted it to Sundays and shipped them off to youth group with little communication at dinner. I bet they didn’t pray together, or read the Bible together. The church doesn’t focus enough on bringing Jesus home.
I feel bad that parents have to feel this shame as well. I guess it’s similar to the shame that a child feels at home too.
I don’t have a child, so I don’t have any right to stand on a box stuffed of arrogance and proclaim what you should or shouldn’t do with your child. But I will stand on a box stuffed full of voices of young people who are experiencing pain under your religious thumb.
I understand the ever-present fear of hell and Jesus’s imminent return. I get how overwhelming that is, I used to feel it for my loved ones who didn’t believe in the resurrection and forgiveness of Jesus Christ as well. Your children probably used to feel it too. We get that there’s a fire coming and the smoke is here and it’s an emergency and you want to haul us out lest we burn to death. But you need to know that we can’t see fire and we can’t feel heat anymore. We’re numb. We’re floating out in a big blue ocean and the concept of fire burning here is completely unfathomable.
So how do you tell someone a fire is coming when they’re in an ocean?
I think that if your child walks away from faith, there should be room for celebration. Not necessarily for the rejection of faith itself, but what lies beneath that rejection. You have raised a young man or young woman who feels bold enough to think about the world and their existence for themselves. They aren’t simply lapping up the Bible on a Sunday morning with no regard for its context in the world. You have raised an independent thinker who questions what they have been taught. This skill is integral in the workplace and in relationships as well. Someone who doesn’t question can often fall into the hands of harmful people.
My parents are Christians, but they read my blog and support my journey. Why? Because it’s my journey. Because I’m seeking. Because I have recognised I have only been taught one story and I want to know more stories so I know I’m making the right choice. But I think I (and a lot of us with Christian parents) can be a heck of a lot more understanding of our parents’ fear of fire. While religious belief isn’t as easy and consumable as it once was, our parents are not ‘dumb’ or ‘ignorant’ for consuming it. They have been on this earth so much longer than us and often they simply want us to experience the joy they have now found.
If you live with your parents and you haven’t had a conversation about this stuff I encourage you to. My parents extended me the freedom of discovering faith on my own accord, but the ability to talk to two Christians about my hesitations and doubts for a few hours in tears, to express the fears that I have shared in this blog has been immensely helpful. Any barriers that were there are well and truly torn down. And parents, if you aren’t ready to accept your child’s doubt, confusion and anger associated with being indoctrinated at a young age, you need to. Responding with Bible verses and prayer isn’t always the answer, because it’s situated in the context of the belief your child no longer upholds. Be a parent before you be a preacher.
Don’t be afraid to let go and simply accept the adult they are becoming. Rest knowing that if it’s ‘God’s plan for them to become a Christian’ God will make it happen with or without you.
And I think everyone, both those of us with Christian parents and parents with children who are leaving faith, can all be a little more understanding of each other.
photo cred: lostslideshows
Also published on Medium.
Thankyou Ruby. For this post, and this website. I can’t tell you how much this comforts me to know that I am not the only one in this position. I am in tears, due to the familiarity of these circumstances- and for the first time in a long time they are tears of relief. That I can show my parents and my family this article, so that they can see that my journey, and my decisions were not purely to hurt them. And who knows, maybe they will understand my perspective a little more- but one thing you have given me is hope. Hope that maybe even one day they’ll even respect me as your parents do.
I can’t thank you enough Ruby.
Jane,
Thank you so much for your comment. I hope this post helps to articulate the words that are so easily lost when we sit face to face to the people we love. If only we could transmit emotion.
All the best with your parents and your journey. You are not alone xx
Ruby!
Thank you for this! You know what’s crazy? I could have written this when I was 19. These exact words. What’s amazing and not amazing really is that I returned to my faith, wholeheartedly in my 30’s. Why am I writing to you? Well, because now my 19 year old son is right there where I was! I can remember it and understand it and yet I still feel like I failed in what I set out to do. I am, however, NOT going to use guilt or drive a wedge between us. I am going to pray and fast and LOVE and accept where he is now. Because Jesus did/does, because my own parents did. This is spiritual work I have to do. Presently, life has bombarded me with aging /ill parents along with this empty nest but I will survive because of who I know I belong to and who loves me and who is holding me through this pain. I also trust that because my parents raised me to follow Jesus, and as the bible says, I did return. But I returned completely on my own. Out of the need. Out of the sheer desperation that all of the other ways of coping with life were not going to work. By the time I had returned, I had had 4 failed relationships, including a divorce complete with domestic violence and addiction thrown in. I explored all sort of exciting things and learned, all on my own, they were not enough to fill the void.
Coming back to my own child, who I love more than my own life, I will allow him the same necessary space. Parents NEVER want their children to experience pain and yet it is unavoidable and one of the things that builds our character and identity. Pain is necessary and inevitable. I would never rob my own child of the growth he needs. I will love him (I have no choice) and I will not allow myself to forget my own journey which has ultimately been worth it all. Much love to you!
As a mom of three who are all in their 20’s this gave me a lot of insight. I have had hard conversations with all three about their faith and questioning of it, especially the older two. I remember being the same way at their age, and try to remind myself of that. It is so hard because I think only a parent can understand the kind of love that is truly unconditional. It gives us a sliver of how God must feel about HIS children and Wow is it mind-blowing! I loved the comparison of the burning building and the ocean. Amazing how you put into words my feelings that I could not communicate very well. The only thing I personally disagree with is that if it is Gods plan then a person will be saved. Theologians have been debating this for years but I am on the side that believes God gives us the choice to choose Him and doesn’t MAKE us “choose” Him, and that it is His will that all would choose to be saved. So I have no guarantees whether my kids will come back to their faith or not. It was certainly taught in the home as well as in church. They are all still single and loving the idea that we can each interpret the Bible however we feel comfortable. I certainly remember being that way and very emphatic about it. So I will keep praying and hope that, as the prodigal son’s father, I see my children coming up the road and I will so very happily run to meet them knowing that my prayers have been answered and my greatest desire is being realized. Thank you again for your willingness to write this and I hope it helps many people as they struggle through their feelings with this situation.